Patient Parenting 101

Hi! We have all experienced it as a parent, that embarrassing,  frustrating, infuriating moment when you child talks back to you. In our house we call it “being fresh”. My son has tried every tone with me. The three techniques that I have found the most helpful for ending this power struggle before it even begins are:

1.) Teach your child that talking that way will NOT get them what they want.

Never reinforce this behavior by giving them an item or situation that they want. You can simply say “I am not going to talk or respond to you while you have that tone with me. Once you change your tone I will be glad to listen.”  Then be consistent.

2.) “Try that again.”

This is my favorite approach because it expands on #1 and actually TEACHES the child how to respond appropriately. If my son responds with a “fresh” tone I say “Try it again.” He then has to leave the room, gather himself and re-enter with a new, appropriate statement.

Some times a child really doesn’t know how to ask for things, recognize emotions or properly communicate. That is why this approach is helpful for both parents and children. You may see that your child is frustrated in the moment and you can identify that for them so they can recognize that emotion in the future. We have all lashed out when we were feeling angry or frustrated. This techniques teaches a child from a young age how to appropriately handle these types of situations. “I’m frustrated right now” is an appropriate response. “I hate you!” is not.

3.) Look at the child’s situation and surroundings.

Take the time to look at, really look at the surroundings. What kind of talk occurs around your child? How much sarcasm, fighting and sass is your child exposed to on a daily basis? Make sure your child is not modeling behaviors he or she encounter regularly. If they are then change the environment.

Sticking a pic of Liam in here – because it’s my blog and because he is so darn cute (when he is not talking back of course).

Discipline and Punishment are not the same thing. They are two very different approaches to parenting.

Discipline is an INNER quality. It is not something with which children are born. It is a LEARNED behavior. It is TAUGHT. This includes self-discipline and self-control.

Punishment is some that happens to a child. There are 2 types of punishment:

negative punishment – when something is taken AWAY from a child. Negative punishment occurs when a child loses access to something such as a video game or recess.

positive punishment – occurs when something is ADDED to the environment such as a stern look or an extra chore. The most known example and controversial positive punishment is physical punishment such as a slap.

PATIENCE as a parent comes with understanding these very different forms and with an understanding of appropriate age related expectations.

TIPS FOR DISCIPLINE:

1) Model the correct behavior for them. Let your child(ren) see what appropriate behavior looks like by the way you act (and react) everyday.

2) If they are hitting or pinching another child then step in and teach them an appropriate way to express their anger and frustration – remember they do not know how to control their impulses – it must be taught to them.

3) Avoid telling children what they cannot do – tell them what they can do instead. So instead of saying “Do not throw the blocks!” you can say “You can use the blocks to build things” and then show them.

4) Use inappropriate behaviors as opportunities to teach appropriate behavior.

My job as a Parent Coach is to teach how to Discipline. I do not use Punishment as a means to an end. I always tell my parents to see every opportunity as a teaching moment.

Never hit or spank a child. This humiliates them and literally changes the person they will become. It teaches absolutely nothing  to a child except to be fearful of you and that violence is okay. If you are frustrated (we have all been there) model self-control by walking away for a moment, taking a deep breath and analyzing the situation from a calmer perspective.

Remember it is our job as parents to teach our children with love and respect.

Please feel free to contact me with questions on how to address a specific behavior. I would love to hear from you!

Except with crazy glue (especially when hanging by a helmet from a really tall building) over bonding is considered a bad thing.

As I explained in my first post, Bonding is necessary for successful parenting. Over bonding, however can put even the most well-intentioned parents at a disadvantage and cause a host of problems for you and your child.

Signs of Over Bonding:

• Your child is overly dependent on you.
• You feel overly responsible for your child and feel guilty if you cannot provide them with their every desire.
• Your child struggles to make independent decisions.
• You speak for your child.
• Your child is lacking self-confidence.
• You are still breast feeding your 6 year old 😉

These may be signs of over bonding. Over bonding has been linked to a lack of self esteem, misguided relationships and anxiety in children and young adults.  The good news is that it is never too late to build an appropriate bond with your child!

Tips to build and then nurture an appropriate bond:

• Make eye contact when you are speaking to each other.
• Hugs and kisses (even baby and toddler massages).
• Read to each other.
• Let your child make (age appropriate) decisions on their own.
• Tell your child your favorite childhood stories.
• Create family rituals. Celebrate family traditions.
• One on one time is a must!
• Play with them (minus your cell phone – guilty oops).

Remember that appropriate bonding will HELP and TEACH your child to maintain emotional balance, develop fulfilling intimate relationships, be self-reliant and independent, give them a great deal of self-esteem, share their feelings and seek appropriate support, and rebound from disappointment and loss.

Happy Bonding!

Hello world!

I have started this blog to share some (at least what I consider to be) valuable and professional information with you free of charge! Yay free stuff!!

I witness parents struggling everyday with the most basic parenting skills: communication, discipline, homework, puberty, schedules, meal time, etc.  I have been there too.

 As a Parent Coach and Behavior Therapist I have been able to collect useful information over the last few years and apply helpful hints regarding these very important parenting issues to my own son.  And the good news is that there IS a better way!

If you read my posts you will begin to see a “pattern” or “style” to the parenting techniques. This is “the better way”.  It is calm, assertive and consistent. It is always loving and respectful. It can be applied by anyone – parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, even Grandparents (yes it’s true!) – to establish and maintain parental control and a happy home.

Enjoy!