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dawndev912@gmail.com
Your neighborhood in print since 1822
Easy behavior modification techniques to change the way you parent.
Easy behavior modification techniques to change the way you parent.
A realistic approach to an optimistic life
Patient Parenting 101 
Help! I am a Single Mom through adoption of a Strong Willed 3 1/2 yr old boy. A bit of background…He has been with me since birth. It is a closed adoption. He had hearing issues due to fluid in his ears and it was resolved at 15 months. His speech is behind by about a year, though I understand 90% of what he wants to convey. My issue is that he is violent. Not always. He can be sweet and loving but when he doesn’t get his way he becomes violent. I first tried to ignore the tantrums, which usually happen in the car when he is in a car seat behind me. He screams, removes his shoes and socks and throws them at my head. When getting him in or out of the car seat he scratches, bites, and hits. I began with the ignore method. It did not work after 6 months. I went to the time out and then spanking method. Time outs helped but spanking did not. The time outs helped him calm down but did not reduce the amount of tantrums. It did me no good in the car because I wasn’t able to put him in a time out. I recently went to “Positive parenting” and I thought it was a miracle. For a week it worked wonders. Then it stopped. I am continuing to react calmly and empathize, which is hard to do as you are being hit and bitten and scratched and kicked, but I am doing it. I compliment him for listening, making his own decisions, behaving well. I truly do not know where to go from here. He has gotten in trouble at daycare for hitting and biting. I work and we must stay on schedule so stopping in the morning and spending a half hour trying to contain his anger is not an option. My job is already in jeopardy due to being late. I get to work beaten and frazzled and stressed, and sometimes bloody. His tantrums in the morning stem from 1) not wanting to get dressed 2) wanting to watch cartoons 3) wanting to take toys to school, which is against the rules. We have had the same routine since he was a baby and he goes to the same daycare with the same teachers. He loves the teachers and he has friends there. He also has tantrums at other times but the mornings are the worst way to start the day.
I have read your articles and it if I were a stay at home mom I could implement more of the things you suggest. Unfortunately, that is not an option. Can you offer me any advice?
Hi Wendy! I am sorry you and he are going through this. Thank you for the details as it gives me some info to help. The good news he is young. There is a lot of help available for him (and you do not have to be a stay at home parent to implement). My first suggestion is to get an evaluation done at home by a Behavior Specialist. Most health insurances now cover these services and the behaviorist can come to your home and observe and give you hands on skills that will solve this problem. It is very common for these types of behaviors to develop because a child becomes frustrated communicating. We can come into your home and show you several different methods that he can use to communicate more effectively. The tantrums and aggression continue because, on some level, it works for him. Also bc he has not been taught a different way. Where do you live? I can look into some behavior agencies in your area that take insurance and get back to you.
You absolutely can not tolerate aggression from him so continue to implement the time outs with consistency. It will take some work and a lot of patience on your part. Do not spank, as it is aggressive and will confuse him (you can’t solve aggression with aggression). Then with the help of a behaviorist this can be totally fixed.
Also, every time you “catch” him communicating without hitting, biting, etc. REWARD him. It can be verbal praise or an extra long hug. The behaviorist will show you other rewards you can use as well. You can also teach him the breathing techniques from my post at night, when he is calm, before bed. If you see him getting frustrated try to remind him to do one of them before the aggression starts.
As for driving, you need to remove his shoes and socks and anything else that may become a hazardous projectile from him before you even start driving for now. What is he trying to always communicate in the car? Does he not like the car? Is there a sensory issue going on? Can he eventually wear headphones or watch a video while you drive?
Hang in there. Being a Mom is the hardest job on the planet and you are certainly not alone. His behaviors are extremely common and extremely “curable”.
Sincerely,
Dawn
Thank you so much for responding so quickly. We started using the breathing techniques this weekend. I tried to remember to notice and compliment him on his behavior when it was good.
Friday evening was the worst yet. He went for my throat. All because I wanted to change his pull up. (he was potty trained but recently had a UTI and regressed) Saturday we had another meltdown because he was cold and I wanted him to wear his jacket. It is pure and simple defiance. If I say up he would say down. Sometimes I will tell him not to do something and he will look me straight in the eye and do it.
I know he wishes he could speak better but he communicates what he wants just fine. I know what he wants but 3 lollypops before dinner is a no, French Fries for dinner is a no, watching SpongeBob until 10 at night is a no, wearing PJ top to school is a no, playing in Mommy’s purse is a no, running around in a dirty pull up is a no, wearing no jacket at 58 degrees is a no. I try to redirect but he will not participate in any activity without me unless it is watching TV. I cannot cook or clean unless he watches TV. There are times I just cannot sit down and play…I am a super busy single mom. I try to get him to “help” me with whatever I am doing but most of the time he refuses. If I sit down, I immediately have a toy thrust in my hand. I play with him every day. I don’t talk on the phone or ignore him ever. I am the mom at the playground up on the jungle gym with my little guy.
The issue with the car could be several things. 1) I have totaled 2 cars in the last 6 months though he was not with me either time. Neither accident was my fault but he understands the cars are gone and mommy came home sick from the hospital. I wasn’t injured badly either time and came home the same day. 2) It is Mommy’s schedule and Mommy’s will – not what he wants to do when we have to get in the car. He wants to be in charge and do what he wants to do.
What I do not understand is that he will listen to others but not me. I am his disciplinarian and he won’t listen to me. Anyone who babysits tells me what a wonderful child he is. The daycare loves him accept for the days he hits and bites. When I try to tell someone how he treats me they look at me like I am crazy. The daycare sees it. I try for 15 minutes to get him out the door. His teachers will sometimes intervene and he will listen to them….but not to me. I have plans on following your advice and getting him evaluated. I was going to start speech therapy, unfortunately, my insurance does not cover very much and I would have to come out of pocket thousands of dollars I do not have. His B’day falls after school starts so he won’t be eligible for pre-K until next year, but I know they do speech therapy in our school district. I do not want to wait another year though. I will have to look at what I can do at home.