Patient Parenting 101

Week 2: Calming Glitter Jar

Everyone can benefit from a calming glitter jar. Shaking, turning and watching the glitter settle actually allows your body to receive important sensory input (visual and tactile) needed to organize thoughts, refocus attention and “rewire” your nervous system. Aside from all of the scientific reasons why it works to calm the brain, it is tons of fun, beautiful, inexpensive and easily accessible.

This jar can be taken out when a child is upset, frustrated or angry. This technique of redirection avoids all punishments. Instead it distracts and redirects the brain in a calming manner. Once the glitter has settled you can have a brief conversation about the emotions that were present. Many times a child gets frustrated and angry when they are not able to communicate effectively. It is our job to teach them effective and appropriate ways to do so.

Ingredients: (items can easily be purchased at a Dollar Store)

1) Plastic Bottle

2) 2 Tablespoons of glitter glue (your child’s favorite color)

3) an inch of extra glitter

4) 1 cup hot water

5) small figurine or toy (lego figure, doll)

Instructions:

Add items to clean plastic bottle in order. Leave an inch of space at the top for shaking room. Glue lid on bottle. Shake!

*The glitter can take anywhere from 1-5 minutes to settle. As it settles you will notice that your child can become “entranced” in the magic like qualities of the bottle – that is the brain relaxing 🙂

Enjoy!

Whining is a learned behavior. Yes, that IS the good news. It means that whining can be UNLEARNED 🙂

It is difficult to be patient when our children are whining. All children will test out this method and usually when we are on our last nerve. It is our job as parents to teach them a better, more appropriate way. We have all given in to the demands of a whining 3 year old  when we were tired, overwhelmed or distracted. If we give in our child will stop whining in that moment, but also learn that this technique works as a means to an end. This guarantees your child will continue whining in the future.

Some ways to nip whining in the bud:

1) Do not be a pushover. Every time your child whines and you feel tempted to give in to quiet the chaos, picture your child as a 12, 15 or even 18 year old whining. I guarantee that you will not picture this as a pretty sight and certainly not an age appropriate behavior. It will appear a bit ridiculous and will remind you in the moment to address it rather than letting it go on (“just this one time”).

2) Teach your child the proper way to use their words. If they are whining because they want to watch a TV show tell them in a calm voice “You can say Mom may I watch TV now? in this voice”. Model the correct voice for them.

3) Once the calm voice technique is taught you can remind them that they are whining by saying

“I am happy to give you an answer as soon as you use your calm voice”.

4) Stay consistent. Possibly the hardest, but definitely the most effective step.

Patient parent on 🙂

1) YOU MAKE ME SMILE 🙂

2) I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY

3) I BELIEVE IN YOU

4) YOU ARE LOVED

5) I’M SO GLAD YOU JUST WALKED INTO THE ROOM!

6) YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HEART

7) I’M GRATEFUL YOU ARE IN MY LIFE

Hi! We have all experienced it as a parent, that embarrassing,  frustrating, infuriating moment when you child talks back to you. In our house we call it “being fresh”. My son has tried every tone with me. The three techniques that I have found the most helpful for ending this power struggle before it even begins are:

1.) Teach your child that talking that way will NOT get them what they want.

Never reinforce this behavior by giving them an item or situation that they want. You can simply say “I am not going to talk or respond to you while you have that tone with me. Once you change your tone I will be glad to listen.”  Then be consistent.

2.) “Try that again.”

This is my favorite approach because it expands on #1 and actually TEACHES the child how to respond appropriately. If my son responds with a “fresh” tone I say “Try it again.” He then has to leave the room, gather himself and re-enter with a new, appropriate statement.

Some times a child really doesn’t know how to ask for things, recognize emotions or properly communicate. That is why this approach is helpful for both parents and children. You may see that your child is frustrated in the moment and you can identify that for them so they can recognize that emotion in the future. We have all lashed out when we were feeling angry or frustrated. This techniques teaches a child from a young age how to appropriately handle these types of situations. “I’m frustrated right now” is an appropriate response. “I hate you!” is not.

3.) Look at the child’s situation and surroundings.

Take the time to look at, really look at the surroundings. What kind of talk occurs around your child? How much sarcasm, fighting and sass is your child exposed to on a daily basis? Make sure your child is not modeling behaviors he or she encounter regularly. If they are then change the environment.

Sticking a pic of Liam in here – because it’s my blog and because he is so darn cute (when he is not talking back of course).

Discipline and Punishment are not the same thing. They are two very different approaches to parenting.

Discipline is an INNER quality. It is not something with which children are born. It is a LEARNED behavior. It is TAUGHT. This includes self-discipline and self-control.

Punishment is some that happens to a child. There are 2 types of punishment:

negative punishment – when something is taken AWAY from a child. Negative punishment occurs when a child loses access to something such as a video game or recess.

positive punishment – occurs when something is ADDED to the environment such as a stern look or an extra chore. The most known example and controversial positive punishment is physical punishment such as a slap.

PATIENCE as a parent comes with understanding these very different forms and with an understanding of appropriate age related expectations.

TIPS FOR DISCIPLINE:

1) Model the correct behavior for them. Let your child(ren) see what appropriate behavior looks like by the way you act (and react) everyday.

2) If they are hitting or pinching another child then step in and teach them an appropriate way to express their anger and frustration – remember they do not know how to control their impulses – it must be taught to them.

3) Avoid telling children what they cannot do – tell them what they can do instead. So instead of saying “Do not throw the blocks!” you can say “You can use the blocks to build things” and then show them.

4) Use inappropriate behaviors as opportunities to teach appropriate behavior.

My job as a Parent Coach is to teach how to Discipline. I do not use Punishment as a means to an end. I always tell my parents to see every opportunity as a teaching moment.

Never hit or spank a child. This humiliates them and literally changes the person they will become. It teaches absolutely nothing  to a child except to be fearful of you and that violence is okay. If you are frustrated (we have all been there) model self-control by walking away for a moment, taking a deep breath and analyzing the situation from a calmer perspective.

Remember it is our job as parents to teach our children with love and respect.

Please feel free to contact me with questions on how to address a specific behavior. I would love to hear from you!

Except with crazy glue (especially when hanging by a helmet from a really tall building) over bonding is considered a bad thing.

As I explained in my first post, Bonding is necessary for successful parenting. Over bonding, however can put even the most well-intentioned parents at a disadvantage and cause a host of problems for you and your child.

Signs of Over Bonding:

• Your child is overly dependent on you.
• You feel overly responsible for your child and feel guilty if you cannot provide them with their every desire.
• Your child struggles to make independent decisions.
• You speak for your child.
• Your child is lacking self-confidence.
• You are still breast feeding your 6 year old 😉

These may be signs of over bonding. Over bonding has been linked to a lack of self esteem, misguided relationships and anxiety in children and young adults.  The good news is that it is never too late to build an appropriate bond with your child!

Tips to build and then nurture an appropriate bond:

• Make eye contact when you are speaking to each other.
• Hugs and kisses (even baby and toddler massages).
• Read to each other.
• Let your child make (age appropriate) decisions on their own.
• Tell your child your favorite childhood stories.
• Create family rituals. Celebrate family traditions.
• One on one time is a must!
• Play with them (minus your cell phone – guilty oops).

Remember that appropriate bonding will HELP and TEACH your child to maintain emotional balance, develop fulfilling intimate relationships, be self-reliant and independent, give them a great deal of self-esteem, share their feelings and seek appropriate support, and rebound from disappointment and loss.

Happy Bonding!