Sometimes our children hit. Developmentally they may be at an age where they do not know any better. I remember the first time I got a call from Liam’s pre-school telling me to come pick him up because he hit his classmate. My face was so red with embarrassment and I, in turn, was angry at Liam for hitting someone. But then I realized that I had not taught him a better way yet and I learned a technique that has since come in handy many times with him, my students and in my life as an adult as well (as an anger management tool). When we know better, we do better. We must teach our children that hitting is not okay. Ever.
“That kid stole my toy!”, “No, I don’t want to!”, “My brother is in my space!”. While anger is a legitimate emotion, try to remember that it is a secondary emotion that almost always comes AFTER frustration and/or disappointment. We can all remember being in a situation where we were frustrated (“That driver cut me off!”) and/or disappointed (“He told me he would be here on time for my game.”) and we may have acted out in anger toward the person.
The techniques you teach your child now will come in handy for the rest of their life. It is important to teach these techniques to your child while they are calm and safe. Never try to “reason with” a child in the heat of the moment or right after they have hit someone. It will be lost on them. What you can do (teach) instead:
Pick a quiet, safe spot. It can be a beanbag chair, a pillow on the floor, a quiet corner in the family room. Bring your child there and teach them a self calming technique. Model the technique and make it part of fun time.
Belly Breathing: Lie on floor. Hand on belly. Mouth closed. Breathe in through your nose and feel your belly rise. Out through your mouth and feel your belly fall. You can also put a stuffed animal on your child’s stomach.
Count to 10: Count to ten in your head or out loud using your fingers.
There are many calming exercises you can teach your children. Maybe there is even a go to one that you use when you are feeling angry and frustrated.
I highly recommend the Breathe, Think, Do app by Sesame Street for children. It is an interactive app and lets them work through many different real life scenarios. They can “play” this anytime. Shhhh, they are actually learning. Breathe 2 Relax is also a great app for older children. They can custom organize it. YouTube also offers many great breathing/calming tutorials.
Now, what to do when they hit:
1) Put them in their quiet corner. This is important. It teaches them that a timeout can be helpful. Even as an adult. (If you are out find a quiet place).
2) Get down to eye level and tell them calmly why they are there. “I can see that you are angry, but we do not hit. You can breathe (count to ten, stretch) instead.”
3) Walk away and set the timer to one minute per their age. Do not stress if they are not using one of the calming techniques each time, as long as they are sitting quietly they are calming themselves.
4) When timer goes off and you see that the child is calmer (they may need to be placed calmly in this space several times before they sit for timer) you can then talk about what they can do differently next time instead of hitting. “You can use your words and tell your friend that you do not like when he takes that toy out of your hand”. “You can come to your quiet corner and belly breathe.” “You can tense up your muscles and then relax them like we practiced”.
5) Take them to apologize to the person they hit.
NOTE: I never advise my students to hit a pillow as an alternate behavior when angry. While anger is an emotion that should be named and dealt with, hitting is an aggressive physical manifestation that can cause an adrenaline rush and it defeats the purpose. It also teaches that hitting inanimate objects is okay in the heat of the moment. This can cause many additional problems and has not been shown to be an effective way to deal with anger.
Patient Parenting 101 
