Tantrums are a very common behavior in children (and occasionally adults – but that is a post for the Oprah blog). They can appear seemingly out of nowhere (as a Behaviorist I can tell you this is never the case) and always at the most inconvenient times (this is most definitely always the case). The good news is that there is a way of handling tantrums that should make them disappear altogether (a tantrum bug zapper if you will).
There are only four reasons for a behavior (any behavior) to occur: attention seeking, access, escape, self stimulatory. Most tantrums are an attention seeking behavior.
Parents can give attention in a myriad of ways:
physical attention (physical proximity to a child or physical contact)
verbal attention (any word that comes out of your mouth)
eye contact
gestures (no not THOSE kind of gestures). Pointing is the most common gesture.
With this knowledge about attention seeking tantrums I now can recommend to you the most highly effective, 100% guaranteed way to stop a tantrum in its tracks: IGNORE.
| Steps to ignoring a tantrum: 1) make sure your child is in a safe place (so they cannot injure themselves and/or others). 2) DO NOT ENGAGE the child in ANY WAY (this means no eye contact, no talking, no verbal direction or negotiating, do not try to “talk them down” – this actually feeds the tantrum and will make it last longer). 3) If they leave their bedroom, time out corner or safe area (spot on the lawn or kitchen floor where they began behavior) in the throes of a tantrum you can point (or gesture) them back to their safe spot. You should then leave that area so they cannot and do not have your physical attention. |
Taking the attention away will diffuse the tantrum. With that being said I should also mention that the first 2 or 3 times you employ this technique the tantrums may actually get worse. Your child may become confused by this new tactic and will test the waters even more. The good news is that once they realize that you are holding your ground the tantrum behavior should subside and stop completely. Over a short period of time you should see a decrease in the amount of over all tantrum outbreaks.
Remember that all techniques that I describe are employed with love and respect. It may seem cruel to take your attention away from your child but I can assure you, in this particular situation it is not. You are actually using this exact moment as a teaching moment. Our number one job as parents is to teach our children. You are teaching your child that a tantrum is not an acceptable or productive behavior.
Please let me know if you have any specific questions about tantrums. I would be happy to hear from you!
Have a great day!
Patient Parenting 101 